One big arse retrograde

Five is a number of freedom. It wants no restraints, no rules, and it wants to experience everything right! now! Five is also conflict and chaos. Take a look at the fives in a deck of Tarot cards. They aren’t about white light and happy thoughts. Removing constraints and experiencing the world without filters brings a whole new set of set of problems to the table.

So why am I talking about five today? Well, we have five planets – FIVE – all in retrograde right now. They are:






A retrograde occurs when a planet appears to move backwards in the heavens. All planets go retrograde, some for very long periods of time, others for short bursts. We tend to notice the ones that move in shorter bursts more than we notice the ones that stay retrograde for longer periods. The longer a planet is in retrograde, the more subtle its energy is.

Most people who know anything about astrology or magical living don’t like retrogrades at all. They regard this time as a period of frustration, of bad luck or bad timing, or of strawberries with hair, and who knows what else.┬áThese are people who still try to live the same way all the time, without changing their world view to accommodate the effect that this energy is having upon their lives.

The technical term for this is “stubborn”.

So if you know that Mercury is in retrograde, for example, and you know this because your phone got busted, your fax machine suddenly died, important phone calls you were waiting on never came – and you looked all this up on Grandma Google and saw stuff about Mercury retrograde – and yet you still insist on doing things the same way – yes, it will suck for you. However, if you take a proactive approach – for example – spending that $5 for insurance on your online order, cleaning the e-gunk out of your computer on a regular basis, getting repairs done to your car, maintaining the tools of your trade – then it won’t be such a big deal. That doesn’t mean that shit won’t happen, but if you know that shittage with communications, mail, invoices, equipment, and travel is more likely at certain times of the year than others – you can take steps to minimize the potential inflammation in your colon that happens when things don’t go your way.

So what IS happening right now?

Well, Mercury recently went retrograde – oh joy, oh bliss!! It’s the one that we tend to notice the most.

However, Jupiter and Saturn were already retrograde. Jupiter’s retrograde started in early January and ends May 9th. Jupiter rules expansion, abundance, and luck. Saturn rules structure and restriction. These two planets have been having a tug of war that might have seen some of the more sensitive of us turn into neurotic micromanaging musterbators – also known as “assholes”.

The interesting thing about Jupiter is that even when it’s retrograde it is still technically a good energy – as it prompts us to reflect and re-evaluate. Typically those affected by this retrograde the most are those of us who, in the months leading up to the Jupiter retrograde, were dealing with issues around success and happiness. Whatever it was that you were working toward – new romance, new job, new career, a promotion, buying a house – you need this extra few months to really examine your life to make sure that it is in order so that you can receive the abundance that you are working towards creating. This beneficial boost usually feels more like what you felt when your father tanned your ass and told you that you’d understand when you were older.

A Jupiter retrograde also brings personal management issues – also known as that horseshit your friends are getting tired of – to light. So if you’re drinking too much, or using food to soothe your emotions – it will all become glaringly apparent – hopefully to you, too, because believe me – everyone else knows it, they know why, and they love you – but oh god they’d sooner be bent over and drilled with a pitchfork than listen to you go off on a tangent about the same old crap again.

Saturn’s retrograde kicks you square in the feels. It started March 25 and doesn’t go away until early August. Saturn rules not only restrictions and structure, but also karma. During this retrograde, all your romantic and financial issues and misgivings will rear their heads. It’s been especially tough these last several weeks as Saturn and Jupiter overlap. Jupiter whips back the velvet curtain to show us just how tantalizingly close we are to Nirvana and Saturn kicks the chair out from under us while yelling “Psych, bitches!!!” We get some relief after Jupiter goes direct but with Mercury retrograde for most of May, we need to be careful in how we word our Come To Jesus discussions with people, especially romantic partners.

Mars is also retrograde. It just gets funner and funner, eh? This planet goes retrograde from April 17th to June 29th. Mars is your animal drive and ambition. During this retrograde phase, sexual problems may become a sticking point for you or you may struggle internally with taking initiative with things – whether it is bringing the olive branch when you know you’ve fucked up royally or simply finding the will to keep up with your workouts. Mars is your killer spirit, your get up and go, but during this period that energy may just get up and run away, causing you to internalize a lot of conflict that normally wouldn’t get to you, so that it manifests in even more dickheadedness on your part and drives those closest to you behind the sofa where they feel safely protected from your tirades. While Mercury is retrograde there is also the matter of TIMING. You may have the best of intentions in wanting to discuss, say, your lack of interest in naked twister, but maybe you shouldn’t bring it up to your beloved during Auntie Hildegarde’s funeral. Loudly. That’s just not good.

Pluto’s retrograde starts on April 18th and ends on the 26th of September. This is a good retrograde in that it brings to light things about your love life and finances that you need to confront now. It’s good like Buckley’s is good, because anything that forces us to look at things that need healing, while inherently good, also sucks dirt because it makes us look at things we’d rather eat, drink, or smoke away. Those who power through this massive retrograde surge and confront problems head on are likely to find that their romantic relationships are stronger for it, and that the things they want start to happen.

What else is happening during this month? Next week on May 6th, we get a supermoon which is also a new moon, and it is in Taurus. Jupiter is retrograde in Virgo at this time, so between Virgo and Taurus there is plenty of energy to push forward and produce results in anything that you do at that time. This is a time to think big and leave your comfort zone. Go to places you wouldn’t normally go to, be social and smile and shake hands with people you wouldn’t ordinarily consider to be beneficial to you, even though what you really want to do is put on your jammies and drown your sorrows in a cheeseburger and cheap wine. All new moons have six month windows so whatever seeds you plant this week will manifest by the full moon in November, which is also a supermoon and also in Taurus. What does Taurus rule? All your stuffs!! Your things, your money, your favourite toys, your desire to acquire more favourite toys, your sexy time, your desire to move up in the world, and all your other voracious appetites. Rawr.

The full moon on May 21st is in Sagittarius – my rising sign. I love this energy because Sagittarius does what he wants and just like Honey Badger, he don’t give a shit. BUT if there is something you’re stewing about and stewing about for a while, because this moon is also conjunct Mars at this time and Mars is retrograde – making is full to the brim with all sorts of pent up crapulence, the eruption could be epic and you might find yourself standing alone, wondering where everyone else has run off to after the dust settles and your Medusa curls go away. This is also a time, though, that all your hard work towards a specific goal can pay off. In some cases the pay off starts at this time and ends in June, around the 20th, on a second full moon in Sagittarius.

So while these last several weeks have been hammering away at your last nerve, threatening your romantic relationships, feelings of security, finances or some combination of all three – and this hammering will continue for the next few weeks – just remember that pain is fuel. More than anything else, your reaction and adaptation to all this intense energy is the bigger factor in things. So in short, take concrete steps this week towards manifesting a specific goal and instead of becoming a festering cocksocket that takes your shit out on everyone else, go do some jumping jacks instead.



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